


Gethsemane

by LokianaWinchester



Series: Jesus Christ Superstar [33]
Category: Jesus Christ Superstar - All Media Types
Genre: M/M, lemme break your heart real quick, uh
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-24
Updated: 2019-01-24
Packaged: 2019-10-15 07:02:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,246
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17524070
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LokianaWinchester/pseuds/LokianaWinchester
Summary: WHAT IF... Judas hadn't gone to the high priests, but instead gone after Jesus.





	Gethsemane

**Author's Note:**

> I'm back on my bs
> 
>  
> 
> Also I'm painfully in love with Jesus like no joke

Judas did not go to the priests. Judas did not betray Jesus, because what he had been told over supper was enough to sober him up, to make him see what he had done. Or rather what he was about to do. Judas had become aware of the destruction he was about to bring to all their lives and the pain and anguish he was going to cause Jesus.

Judas regretted all of that, he just wanted to hold Jesus like he used to. He just wanted to keep him close and make everything go back to where they had been.

Judas was still painfully in love with Jesus. He had tried to stop, had tried to get over Jesus but it never quite worked out like that.

He was stumbling over rocks, dried out grass on his way - if only he knew where he was going. Jesus had to be here somewhere.

Judas’ mind was reeling; what if he was too late, what if Jesus had taken matters into his own hands. He had made it pretty clear, that he thought the situation hopeless. Judas did not want to lose him. he could not possibly cope with that, he could not live with the knowledge that Jesus’ death was his fault. Which it would inevitably be.

He knew he had gone too far. Of course he wanted Jesus to succeed, of course he wanted him to be seen, but the exposure had not done Jesus any good. The other Apostles did not share Judas’ concerns; they were enjoying the spotlight way too much to rationally listen to him. Judas suspected, they were only going to realise their mistake when it was too late.

He came to a stumbling halt when he heard faint sobs.

“I’d have to see, my Lord... if I die - “

Judas could barely hear the words over the beating of his own heart. He could not bear this feeling of shame, this crushing force that had driven him to these decisions in the first place.

“If I die... what will be my reward?”

Judas was running again. His feet were hurting and so was his heart. His entire chest was aching with the weight of his actions.

Jesus was sitting there, kneeling on the dry earth, looking stunning as ever, his hair falling past his shoulders, into his face. Judas swallowed.

“I’d have to know.”

“No,” Judas choked out through the tears that were clawing at his throat. “No. There’s no reward. I’m sorry, Jesus. I’m so sorry.”

“What?” Jesus whispered, a sound so thin that Judas barely noticed it. “Judas. Why?”

“I don’t want you dead.” Judas fell to his knees as well; the pain made him clench his teeth, but he kept his eyes trained on Jesus even while they filled with tears

“It’s too late for that.” Jesus had cried. It was obvious; his eyes were red and puffy, he had wiped his hand across both cheeks, but tear tracks were still visible under his eyes. All Judas wanted, was to take the pain away.

“I didn’t go to them, I couldn’t bring myself to. I know... I went too far.”

Jesus slowly shook his head.

“No. I know you only did what you thought was right. That’s not a bad thing.”

So gentle, so kind. The man was too forgiving. In his eyes, Judas saw the rest of the affection Jesus felt for him. A shimmer of what once was love.

“I know I went too far. I stopped believing in things going right long ago.”

Jesus averted his gaze. He knew what Judas was referring to. He was all too aware that Judas had never forgiven him for walking away from their - their affair. It had not been right; they could have had something great but Jesus backed out.

He backed out of a loving relationship but he would die without hesitance. Judas did not understand how that added up; anger flared up in his mind, but he kept it down. Anger was what had gotten him into this mess.

“I’m sorry,” Jesus said.

“No. _I_ am sorry. I went too far and it’s not my intention to see you die. Not now and not ever. There will be no reward, Jesus. You don’t have to suffer to reach a goal. I just want -“ Judas reached out, his fingertips caressed Jesus’ cheek, the stubble beneath Judas’ skin made him notice just how real the situation was.

“I just want you to be happy.”

Jesus smiled, a sad smile that did not reach his eyes. He looked at Judas.

“I know.”

Once again, Judas did not think. Maybe that was where it had all started to go wrong. But now he just acted on his feelings, his pent up emotions, and his desire.

He leaned in, but before his lips met Jesus’ he was interrupted.

“Stop.”

Jesus cupped Judas face between his hands, his fingers strong but gentle.

“Please don’t.”

“Why,” Judas asked. He did not dare open his eyes, fearing reality, fearing repeated rejection more than death itself.

“It will be so much harder on you.”

It took Judas a moment to understand what Jesus was saying.

“You can’t die.”

“And I can’t do anything about it. It will happen.”

“No.”

Judas let himself fall forward into Jesus’ arms. They wrapped around his back, holding him, one moving to the back of his head. Judas buried his face in Jesus’ hair. He could not live without this.

“I’ll go too,” he mumbled. “If you die, I can’t go on.”

Jesus’ hand was rubbing circles into Judas’ back, the other slowly stroking the back of his head.

The silence between them was tense; neither of them knew what to say. Those were heavy words but Judas had no doubt about them. He knew he would follow through.

“I love you,” Jesus whispered.

“Can’t you try?” Judas sobbed, pulling away from the embrace. He took one of Jesus’ hands between his own. “I don’t want to die.”

It sounded like he was blaming Jesus for his own death, but he did not mean it like this.

“I can’t live without you -“

“I know,” Jesus cut him off. “I know. I love you, Judas. Maybe more so than you love me. But is it too late?”

Judas looked into Jesus’ eyes and saw breath-taking sadness, emotions so wild and untamed that he wondered how Jesus kept them all inside.

“I don’t know.”

Judas squeezed Jesus’ hand, felt it shiver nonetheless.

“I’m sorry.”

Judas let the tears roll down his cheeks, as if he was an ugly, twisted mirror image of Jesus.

“I love you.”

Jesus kissed Judas without a warning. The instant their lips touched, all the memories came back. Judas felt Jesus everywhere, touching - frantic fingers flickering over every inch of skin - kissing with the last of their breaths as if they had always known how little time was left. Judas felt Jesus around him and inside him, a feeling of _Jesus_ rushing through his veins, keeping his heart beating, and at the same time brushing over his skin.

Jesus’ lips were hot, pressing, impatient. Jesus was alive - jittery, nervous, frightened - but alive, so terribly alive that Judas felt like he could fall apart right here and Jesus would piece him back together, holding enough life for both of them.

The kiss ended and Judas’ broken heart cracked up into pieces; aching splinters that crumbled into Jesus’ healing hands.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading!! Comments and Kudos make me happy! (tell me I made you sad)


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